Hi. G’Day. Etc. There’s been a change of plans over here. It’s become apparent I’ve decided to chuck the *news*letter after all — ironically enough, this happened after initially not having anything to say, then suddenly experiencing such an (almost alarming) surge of output that I was now watching the resulting Substack-mag steadily expand in size towards the 10,000-word mark.
‘Twas strange and kinda beautiful; I loved the idea of publishing something one could sink one’s teeth into for days… but realistically — I do want you to have a chance at reading this stuff, although it’s just for my expression’s sake, and there’s no real need for it to be read or spread or whatever.1 But it still may be of use to you, idk.
So here’s what’s going down. Below, find a menu of what I’ll be serving over the coming days. Right now, a total of sixteen sections are either completely written or almost finished or still mostly exist in my head. The first, included here today, is a small primer for the rest.
~The Menu~
Closing Loops / Planting a Seed
Frivolous Nihilism
Giving up fucking sucks, man
Initiating Pulses
Intermission 1 — Spider Solitaire
A brief history of how I used to be fun, then wasn’t, then was, then wasn’t (Now, I am Enlightened™)
Snescue Music
Lunacy and the Not-Self
Open throat/defined SP appreciation
Martyr life is just plain annoying tbh
Intermission 2 — Weed Firm
(not) Pooping in foreign places + the spleen
Bloody Mutation
Brazenly self-sustaining whack-a-moles
I wanna be a sheep
Coda — Ella Enchanted
Closing Loops
While I’m getting “better” at not publishing all the meta stuff going through my head at all times, I feel today I need to make an exception and express how proud I am of myself for having the guts to just… express — no expectations, no need for depth, no need for cool ideas, no need to “see things through”. And then publish.
There are so many differing opinions floating around about how to write and when to publish and why, and just recently I found myself nodding along and agreeing with someone saying that in this age, quantity can NOT be the goal, one must focus on quality, learn when a piece is “worth” publishing, and forget the notion of publishing daily at all costs2 — something only journalists should need to worry about — to allow for the time and energy that is truly needed to hone the writing craft. And I fully agree with that.
Both these approaches (Quantity vs Quality) have merit, but/and for me, right now, what is needed is release. Surrendering to this began with appraising my draft graveyard and facing the resentment of all the things that never get “out” because my “determined” mind wants to “see it all through” while my body simply doesn’t have that energy at all times.3
Thing is though, among my greatest fears is imperfection — but perhaps more so, being seen in general. Consequently, my first objective in this whole preposterous Substack endeavor seems to be to prove to myself on a regular basis that showing up and letting my words go — however stupid/naive/embarassing they may seem at any point in time — is okay.
So, a brief disclaimer around the section below and the posts that will follow this one: These are all true essays — meaning, they are attempts at exploring thought constructs or observations that mostly do not know4 what they are getting at. They are me playing with expression, oftentimes not knowing what exactly is being expressed.
The intent behind writing and publishing them is to free up the space they occupy in my brain, something that simply cannot be accomplished by *only* writing them down.
Alrightingale? Good. Oh, also, it seems these days I revert from *expressive prose* to my millenial conversational style more or less randomly. Maybe I’ll stumble into a functioning fusion of the two sooner rather than later. Till then, please excuse the mess.
Planting a Seed
Last week arrived on my doorstep on a Tuesday and plunked down its leaden briefcase sporting a glittering green smog of unfamiliarity that should have made me suspicious. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to take in the smell.
My business coach5 declared me psychologically unfit to continue running my own business and/or working amidst all the almost having-died drama and recommended to my unemployment agent they offer me assistance in the general area of being a Living Human Being.
We spoke about me possibly applying for a lengthy stay in a rehab facility (for general health, not addiction) to catch my breath after the trials of the last ca. 7 years. There was talk of a mother-child-resort. I expressed that spending yet more time with a sticky tribal 6-year-old would not aid my mental health, and she agreed, saying my issue is “much deeper” than “just” “having been thrown into motherhood unprepared”.
I said I think I don’t want to be in Germany anymore. She smiled crookedly, well, duh. She talked about a former client of hers who’d been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and moved to Ibiza and magically stopped experiencing symptoms. I lol’d and then, chuckling, looked up this woman and my coach asked me if I want to go to Ibiza and I found my mind becoming annoyed. This is just the stupidest thing. Like, sure, you’re into Human Design, so obviously you’d go to Ibiza at some point. Just lol.
I didn’t give it much more thought, but the seed had been planted. I watched Mind become increasingly irritated with Knowing that I had to get away semi-immediately — at least for a day — out of the place where time has stood still for six years.
Next time, I’ll be plugging the one thing of mine that is still available to buy on the internet, and maybe even bring back another thing for which it is not entirely too late to consider forking over some currency (the calendar, yes, ok) since it is merely April and we still have nine months left to use it. But not today :)
Plus, leaving this here in case it’s of interest to you. All the songs I link in posts are from this playlist I miraculously made once (two years ago!) and still maintain. It comprises all the pieces of music my sacral (often annoyingly) becomes hooked on for a few hours or, more frequently, days or weeks. Sometimes it’s what keeps me alive and kicking. That is all. See ya tomorrow.
If you like the idea of having *All The Things* that are of course somehow connected in one Very Large article to consume in one sitting — I think I might do that when all the pieces have been published individually. I really dig it too.
The reasoning here is also sound! Publishing daily forces one to cultivate the habit of writing *to publish*, aka cut the crap and nip it in the bud even before it makes its way onto a screen; get those ready-to-publish neurons firing.
See, I love this approach because I personally spend SO MUCH time moving words around and worrying about minor details after having vomited a lot of certified shit at first. The prospect of forcing those decisions to take a backseat and become more or less irrelevant because they simply *need* to happen quickly is very appealing to my determination-seeking mind.
But worrying and *actually working on* minor details is, in the end, what is needed to develop a skill, and I know this (spending a lot of time on minor details) is simply a stage one must pass through before one possesses the skill to deliver complete, functioning, perhaps even beautiful sentences and paragraphs straight from the brain to the fingers or mouth without the need to start over five times, scrutinize, move words around, look up synonyms, etc, for each sentence.
I’ve always been a “good writer”. Assessment comes naturally to me, 29.2 is my P-Mercury. But with my 16.5 D-Venus, there was also legitimate suspicion/paranoia hanging in the air when people assured me of my talents. By default, I threw out any aspirations around them I periodically found lurking in the attic of my brain.
And… talent needs nurturing. Skill takes practice. I’ve only been “practicing” since around 2019, on and off. Mostly off. And I’ve been on the Forcing The Skill train before, and man, I do not care for its interior (the exterior often looks shiny and colorful). So for now I’m here, in the murky land of Sometimes Quantity But Also Sometimes Quality But Mostly Both, I Hope?! Question Mark? And seeing where it takes me.
See, many times, when I start writing, I bump into an idea or a concept or something that is positively begging to be explored, and I see where it may be going in my mind’s eye, but fleshing it out with the detail I believe it needs is just too much to handle at the time. So shit gets buried and becomes an unclosed loop that continuously pulls my energy aaaaaand we don’t want that.
Though they may seem to know, or may pretend to, briefly, lol
(Who was handed to me on a silver platter by the government, wtf) (Also, she knows about Human Design??! 5/1 emo MG. Talk about life delivering way better stuff than I could ever ask for) (And yeah, we hardly ever actually “talked business” because other things were just more interesting or pressing lol)
Esther - I took many screenshots of the wisdom found in these words and parallels in my own life. Love it and here for it!! - Jenny
Omg you don’t know how much I’m looking forward to this 16 part epic (Oops sorry I made that known)